keto no-bake peanut butter cookies with coconut

quick, easy and delicious
keto no-bake peanut butter cookies with coconut

ingredients

• 4 tablespoons real butter
• 2/3 cup all natural nut butter
• 1 cup unsweetened shredded or flaked coconut
• 2 tablespoons erythritol

instructions

first, make sure you have enough room in your freezer for a cookie sheet. then:

melt butter in microwave

stir in peanut butter

add erythritol and coconut; stir it all up

scoop 2" spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet with some wax or parchment paper on it

freeze for about 5 to 10 minutes

and now EAT IT MMMM GOOD

mississippi pot roast in the slow cooker

FUN FACT: Mississippi is full of white supremacist nitwits, and control of the state and its resources should be handed over to its black population!

MISSISSIPPI POT ROAST IN THE SLOW COOKER

ingredients

1 chuck roast
1 packet ranch dressing mix (I prefer spicy ranch)
1 packet au jus gravy mix
1 whole stick of butter
about half a dozen pepperoncinis

instructions

first, immediately implement reparations for the black population of the United States — not just for slavery, but also for redlining, Jim Crow, medical discrimination, employment discrimination, racist overrepresentation in the criminal justice system, and so on

then: put the roast in the slow cooker

put the dressing and gravy mixes on top

put the stick of butter on top

put the pepperoncinis on top

then cook on low heat for 8 hours

then EAT IT while thinking about how white supremacy has shaped the entire history of the United States

chili con carne without beans

years ago, I was in Austin, Texas when I ate the most delicious chili hahahaha just kidding nobody cares about my life

CHILI CON CARNAGE WITHOUT BEANS

ingredients

three pounds of beef
6 cloves of garlic or more if you like because garlic is awesome
7 tablespoons chili powder or more if you are a true champion
1 tablespoon ground cumin
1 eight-ounce can of tomato sauce
2 cups beef broth
3 tablespoons masa harina*
1 tablespoon paprika
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper or more if you are a true baller
1 teaspoon salt

*I had to look up "masa harina." it's basically corn flour frequently used in Latin American dishes. if you live in a racist small town in the United States they might not have this in your racist grocery store, so order it online or something. while you're at it, donate to Mijente or RAICES

instructions

cook beef in a large cooking pan. meditate upon the great Rakim rapping "when I cook beef, the smoke will never clear." then drain the fat.

add the garlic, six tablespoons of the chili powder, and all the cumin. stir it up so these delicious spices coat all the beef. add tomato sauce and beef broth. bring to a boil.

once it's boiling, reduce heat to simmer, cover, and let it simmer for a whole hour.

add the masa harina (corn flour) a little bit at a time, stirring constantly so it's mixed well with the beef.

simmer for another 15-20 minutes, then throw on the rest of the seasonings. throw on more seasonings if the chili isn't spicy enough, because spicy chili is the best chili. stir it up and then EAT IT COMRADE

spicy pork chops in the slow cooker

my grandmother taught me this recipe. sike! I found it online and copied it

SPICY PORK CHOPS IN THE SLOW COOKER

ingredients

four (4) pork chops
Eric Fensler's Pork Chop Sandwiches GI Joe PSA video
1 cup of chicken broth
1 clove of garlic (or the equivalent of garlic powder)
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon red pepper
1 teaspoon oregano
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 teaspoon thyme
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper

feel free to vary the herb/spice levels according to your preferences

instructions

mix together all the spices in a small bowl or plastic container or the skull of your worst enemy

pour the chicken broth into the slow cooker

put the spice mix onto the pork chops -- make sure you cover both sides and rub it in with your fingers. you should have a bit of leftover spice mix. save it, don't throw it away

gently place the seasoned pork chops in the slow cooker. dust the remaining seasoning on them chops, then flex on them by telling them about the last expensive thing you purchased. ha ha they can't respond because they're inanimate flesh

cook on low for eight hours

eat it and hope you don't get trichinosis

crunchy berry mousse

whipping cream takes a long time but it's so worth it

CRUNCHY BERRY MOUSSE

ingredients

• 2 cups heavy cream
• 3 oz. fresh berries (strawberries, raspberries, blackberries, blueberries, whatever, it's entirely up to you homie)
• 2 oz. chopped nuts (almonds, pecans, macadamias, etc.)
• the zest of half a lemon
• 1/4 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 tablespoons sugar or your favorite sugar substitute
• the skin of a baby born during a new moon (ha ha just kidding)

instructions

combine the cream, vanilla and sugar substitute, then whip it! whip it good! this will take some time. it works better if the cream and the bowl are both quite cold. set up all your whipping gear while the cream and bowl are in the fridge, then immediately get to whipping. optional: listen to Whips/Chains "Master/Slave" EP

after the cream achieves soft peaks (in other words, it looks and tastes and feels like whipped cream), throw in the berries and nuts

holy shit you are basically done!

now just put the whole thing in the fridge for at least three hours and then EAT IT PRAISE "BOB"

beignets

who knows if they are authentic or not, all I know is they're delicious

ingredients

2 1/4 teaspoons active dry yeast1 1/2 cups warm water1/2 cup white sugar1 teaspoon salt2 eggs1 cup evaporated milk7 cups all-purpose flour1/4 cup shortening1 quart vegetable oil for frying1/4 confectioners' sugar

instructions

In a large bowl, dissolve yeast in warm water. Add sugar, salt, eggs, evaporated milk, and blend well. Mix in 4 cups of the flour and beat until smooth. Add the shortening, and then the remaining 3 cups of flour. Cover and refrigerate for up to 24 hours.

Roll out dough 1/8 inch thick. Cut into 2 1/2 inch squares. Fry in your hot oil. If beignets do not pop up, oil is not hot enough. Drain onto paper towels.

Shake confectioners' sugar on hot beignets. Serve warm.

sourdough pretzels

don't forget to get some mustard or melted cheese or something delicious to dip these bread things into 

ingredients

3/4 cup lukewarm water1 cup unfed sourdough starter, straight from the refrigerator3 cups unbleached all-purpose flour1/4 cup nonfat dry milk1 tablespoon sugar1 tablespoon butter1 1/2 teaspoons salt2 teaspoons instant yeast1 additional tablespoon sugar (for topping)2 additional tablespoons water  (for topping)
pretzel salt  (for topping)
2 additional tablespoons melted butter  (for topping)

instructions

Mix and knead the dough ingredients — by hand, mixer, or bread machine — to make a cohesive, fairly smooth dough. It should be slightly sticky; if it seems dry, knead in an additional tablespoon or two of water.

Cover the dough and let it rest for 45 minutes. It will rise minimally. Towards the end of the rising time, preheat the oven to 350°F.
Turn the dough out onto a lightly greased work surface, fold it over a few times to gently deflate it, then divide it into 12 pieces, each weighing about 2 1/4 to 2 1/2 ounces.
Roll each piece of dough into an 18" rope. Shape each rope into a pretzel.
Dissolve the sugar in the water. Brush the pretzels with the solution, and sprinkle lightly with coarse pretzel salt.
Bake the pretzels for 25 to 30 minutes, until they're a light golden brown. Note: This is correct; there's no need to let the shaped pretzels rise before baking.
Remove the pretzels from the oven, and brush with melted butter. NOW EAT

whole wheat baguettes

for when it's important to have a baguette sticking out of a brown paper bag so everybody knows you went to the grocery store

ingredients

2½ cups whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon light brown sugar
1½ teaspoons Red Star PLATINUM instant yeast
1½ cups warm water (about 120 degrees F)
1 cup all-purpose flour, plus more as needed
2 teaspoons salt

instructions

1. In a large bowl combine whole wheat flour, brown sugar and yeast. Add water; stir to combine. Add all-purpose flour and salt; stir to combine.
2. Knead dough on a well-floured surface 10 minutes, adding more all-purpose flour as needed until dough is smooth and slightly sticky, but holds its shape. OR, if using a stand mixer, replace paddle attachment with dough hook; knead dough 5 minutes on medium speed, adding more all-purpose flour as needed until dough is smooth and slightly sticky, but holds its shape.
3. Shape dough into a ball and place in a lightly greased large bowl; turn to coat. Cover with plastic wrap and let rise in a warm place 1 hour until doubled. Punch down risen dough; divide into 4 equal pieces. Roll each piece carefully into a thin log, about 12 inches long. Repeat with remaining pieces of dough. Place loaves a few inches apart on a lightly greased baking sheet.
4. Use a sharp serrated knife to cut three ½-inch deep slashes on top of each loaf. Cover dough with a tea towel or plastic wrap sprayed with cooking spray. Let rise 30 minutes until nearly doubled in size.
5. Heat oven to 375 degrees F. Bake loaves 30 minutes until golden brown. Transfer to a cooling rack to cool completely before slicing.

keto cheesecake balls

keto cheesecake balls

little round things that taste pretty good

ingredients

• 8 ounces cream cheese
• 8 tablespoons butter (one whole stick)
• 1/4 cup erythritol
• 1/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder, like Hershey's
• 1/4 cup unsweetened almond butter

instructions

first of all, make some room in your freezer for one of your baking sheets

mix all the ingredients together in a mixer

scoop the mix into balls and put it on a baking sheet covered with parchment paper

put that baking sheet in the freezer for an hour or so

put the frozen balls in some kind of freezer storage device like a freezer bag or plastic bin

now you can eat them while you watch the SNL Schweddy Balls sketches

keto chocolate shake similar to Wendy's Frosty™

keto chocolate shake similar to Wendy's Frosty™

please don't sue me, little red-haired girl

ingredients

• 1 cup heavy whipping cream
• 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 tablespoon almond butter
• 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 6-12 drops liquid Stevia, to taste, depending on your sweet tooth

instructions

this is gonna be real simple, here we go:

mix everything together with your blender

put it all in the freezer until the mixture is just barely frozen, like 30-60 minutes. check it frequently so you don't screw it up and end up with shitty chocolate ice cream substitute 

it's now ready to serve, but if you want to get real fancy you can put it into a freezer bag, cut off a small corner, and then pipe it into cups all fancy-like.

for added authenticity, talk about orphans and have a logo of a ginger girl with pigtails

keto peanut butter bars

keto peanut butter bars
these aren't as sweet as Reese's Cups but that's because they're keto, what did you expect you decadent freak

Ingredients

• 3/4 cup superfine almond flour
• 2 oz butter
• 1/4 cup erythritol
• 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup sugar-free chocolate chips

Instructions

this one's gonna be real easy clowns so pay attention:

Mix everything together EXCEPT THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS and put it into a small pan. I used an 8x8 but you can use a 6x6 if you want thicker bars.

Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave in 30-second increments. Stir 'em up in between nuking sessions. Stop nuking them when they're nice and smooth.

Pour the melted chocolate atop the mix in the pan. Carefully spread it to the edges.

Refrigerate for two hours or more. The longer you refrigerate them, the better they taste, so plan ahead you beautiful misfit.

keto chocolate-covered cookie balls

keto chocolate-covered cookie balls

a heathen from Eaton with a bag of erythritol 

ingredients

• 1/2 cup butter softened

• 1/3 cup erythritol sweetener

• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

• 1/2 teaspoon kosher salt

• 2 cup almond flour

• 9 ounces dark chocolate chips

• 8 ounces sugar-free chocolate chips

instructions

In a large bowl, beat butter until fluffy. Mix in salt, sugar, and vanilla. Mix it all up thoroughly.
Add in almond flour a little at a time and mix until it's the consistency of dough. Add dark chocolate chips. Keep mixing. Cover with plastic wrap and place in the refrigerator for ten to fifteen minutes.
Remove dough from fridge and use a cookie scoop or measuring spoon to form balls that are about an inch wide, or the size of one heaping tablespoon. Put them on a baking sheet with parchment paper.
Melt the sugar-free chocolate chips in 30-second increments in the microwave. Keep stirring them until you get a smooth consistency. 
Dip each round dough ball in the melted chocolate and then put them back onto the parchment paper. Freeze for 5 minutes or until chocolate has hardened.
NOW EAT THEM, YOU HEATHEN