WHY DOES THIS BLOG EXIST

SO WHY DOES THE WORLD NEED BULLSHIT-FREE RECIPES?

If you're like me:

• you like to cook
• you don't want to hear people's bullshit personal stories about how their kids love this crispy chicken and their husband who normally hates everything finally displays a tiny fraction of human emotion when he sees that this particular crispy chicken meal is being served for dinner tonight
• you know that recipes are not protected by copyright law
• you don't want to watch yet another unnecessarily long video that is 90% bullshit and only 10% recipe/instructions
• you have no ethical qualms about copying and pasting recipes that are in all likelihood outright stolen or unintentionally plagiarized from other sources since there are only a limited number of ways to make (for example) chocolate chip cookies, mashed potatoes, steak, etc.

okay that's enough bullshit, just read the recipes, have fun cooking, have a nice life, and don't send me any complaints

how to boil an egg

HOW TO BOIL AN EGG

this is another part of the Bullshit-Free Recipes Basics series, for people who are only now learning how to cook

you will need a pot with a lid, like this:

and of course you will also need at least one egg.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. put enough water in the pot to cover your egg(s).
2. boil the water.
3. place the egg(s) in the water. it's probably best to gently lower them into the boiling water using a spoon or something.
4. continue boiling the egg(s) for one minute, then turn off the heat and remove the pot from the hot part of the stove.
5. put the lid on and let the egg(s) sit in the hot water for 25 minutes.
6. while you are waiting for the next step, fill a bowl with cold water and ice. the bowl must be large enough to accommodate your egg(s) as well as the ice water.
7. after 25 minutes, drain the hot water and transfer the egg(s) to the bowl full of ice water. this step makes it easier to peel the egg(s).
8. after about 2 or 3 minutes, peel the egg(s). the shell should come right off.
9. you can eat your egg(s) immediately or refrigerate whatever you don't eat right away.

how to boil rice

HOW TO COOK RICE

this post is the first in a series of Cooking Basics for all you college students and divorced dads who suddenly face the prospect of cooking your own food

you will need a 2 to 1 ratio of water to rice. 1 cup rice = 2 cups water, 2 cups rice = 4 cups water, and so on. you get the idea.

you will need a pot or pan with a lid. something like this:

this is a basic feature of every kitchen so if you don't have one yet, get one.

INSTRUCTIONS

1. put the water in the pot, turn up the heat all the way to high, and boil that water.
2. when it's boiling, you can drop in a pinch of salt if you like, or don't. it's optional
3. add the rice to the boiling water and turn the heat all the way down to its lowest setting.
4. set a timer for 20 minutes.
5. when 20 minutes are up, turn off the stove completely and move the pot to an unused part of the stove that's at room temperature. let it sit for another 5 minutes. do not remove the lid.
6. after 5 minutes, remove the lid and stir up the rice with a fork. at this point it should be ready to eat. try a bite - if it's soft and chewy, it's ready. if there is any dryness or crunch at all, it needs more time to simmer. if you stir the rice and notice any water at the bottom, it's not done. one sign that the rice is done is if there are a bunch of small holes in the rice, like this:
7. 
   you can eat the rice immediately, or you can put the lid back on and keep it warm until the other parts of your meal are ready, or you can put it in a plastic container and store it in the refrigerator.
   
   

simple mac & cheese

simple mac & cheese

ingredients

• 1 8 oz. package elbow macaroni
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 2 cups milk
• ½ teaspoon salt
• ½ teaspoon fresh ground black pepper
• ¼ teaspoon ground red pepper
• 8 oz. of shredded sharp cheddar cheese

instructions

1. Prepare a two-quart baking dish with cooking spray, butter, oil, or something similar. Also preheat the oven to 400 degrees, please.
2. Cook the macaroni as indicated and keep it warm.
3. Melt butter in a large pan and whisk in flour until smooth. Cook for 2 minutes, whisking constantly. Whisk in milk a little at a time and keep cooking and whisking for 5 minutes or until the butter-flour-milk has thickened. Remove from heat, then stir in salt, black and red pepper, only one cup of the shredded cheese, and the cooked pasta.
4. Spoon the whole mess into the baking dish and top with the remaining cup of shredded cheese.
5. Put it in the oven for 20 minutes or until bubbly, then take it out and let it sit for 10 minutes.
6. NOW EAT IT

simple slow cooker chili

simple slow cooker chili  

ingredients

• 1 ½ pounds ground beef (or beef substitute)
• 1 chopped up onion
• 1 chopped up green bell pepper
• 2 minced garlic cloves 
• 2 16 oz cans red kidney beans, rinsed & drained
• 2 14.5 oz cans petite diced tomatoes
• 3 tablespoons chili powder (or more, if you like spicy)
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon pepper
• 1 teaspoon ground cumin

instructions

Cook beef, pepper, onion and garlic in a large skillet over medium-high heat until beef crumbles and is no longer pink. Drain the meat grease, then place everything in 5 quart slow cooker. Add beans and everything else. Cook on high 3-4 hours or on low 5-6 hours. Enjoy!

The Easiest Peanut Butter Cookies

 INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup peanut butter
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 egg

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350
2. Blend all ingredients in bowl
3. Scoop out small balls of cookie mixture and place on baking sheet
4. Press down on cookie balls to make flattened patties
5. Cook in oven for 12-13 minutes
6. Allow them to cool before touching

You can do more with these — I've tried adding peanut butter chips and also pressing a Hershey's Kiss into the top right after it comes out of the oven. Chocolate chips might be good too. Enjoy!

Chicken breasts with asparagus and cherry tomatoes

INGREDIENTS

• 1.5 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts
• 1 lb asparagus
• 1 pint cherry tomatoes
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 2 minced garlic cloves or equivalent
• 1 tbsp Italian seasoning
• 1 lemon
• ¼ cup chicken broth

INSTRUCTIONS

1. cut the chicken breasts in half and pound them to about 1/2 inch thickness
2. juice the lemon and zest it, if you are the kind of person who has a lemon zester in their kitchen
3. break the thick ends off the asparagus or just cut them off with a knife. if the asparagus is about 8 inches long, you want to cut or break off about 3 inches of the thick part at the bottom
4. put the garlic and chicken into a big bowl. add only one tablespoon of the olive oil. add the Italian seasoning and some salt and pepper, as much or as little as you would like
5. stir it all up so that the seasoning coats the chicken 
6. heat the remaining 1 tablespoon of oil in a large skillet. add the chicken and cook for about 4 or 5 minutes on each side. personally at this point I also like to throw in a tablespoon or two of butter, but that's up to you
7. now throw in the asparagus and cherry tomatoes, along with the chicken broth, lemon juice, and zest if you have it. put a lid on it and lower the heat to simmer for about 5 or 6 minutes.
8. make SURE that the chicken is no longer pink. you cut the chicken breasts in half right? check the cut. if you can see pink, the chicken isn't ready yet. don't catch salmonella, buddy
9. once the chicken is cooked all the way through, you're done! eat it or wear it!!